I think I'll just be honest in a public place. I'm usually never honest in a public place, rather I say everything in riddles and usually only people that read my personal LJ or speak to me on the phone would get.
I had the hair raising experience of falling in love with a person at first sight. It's a horrible flurry of emotions for a control freak like me, even more so because of my low self esteem. Phrases like, "I don't even deserve to look at so and so" drift through my mind very easily, so I've been having a very tumultuous time of it lately. I finally broke down and told the person and then I was rejected, which in all honesty, I expected and was fine with. It was the crash that was painful. It was the heart rending after effects of not having the bliss along with the anguish. All that was left was a gaping tear where a person should have been. And I'm still coping with it. This is not a "in the past" thing, this all happened pretty recently.
And I know it'll pass and I'll get better and all that, I just know in my craziness I'm certainly doomed to "say the WRONG thing".
And I've called myself all sorts of names trying to deal with this. I don't know how making myself feel more miserable is somehow going to make the pain go away. I just wish that the mistakes I make wouldn't bite so damn hard.
I keep telling myself that I'm gonna be brave; I'm not gonna cry when I see the person. And I keep doing it and that's really frustrating. Problem with being hypersensitive is that it gets really hard to hide your emotions at times; you feel everything so crazy crazy strong sometimes you explode.
All I managed to figure out through all of this is that I want to hang out with people. I feel so cut off from everyone. I feel like I've been crying out for someone to really talk to and people to laugh with and days from my past when I didn't give a shit whether I was dating someone or not. I didn't need that. And I never want to "need" another person anyway; that's never been what I'm about.
Every lesson seems to get more awkward than the last one. But I'll keep plugging along. At least I don't actually implode from these problems; just feels like I do.